ignorance is fucking bliss

we watched Notorious today at cinemas, pretty cool movie, inspirational in some aspects, very moving, and also interesting about US culture and shit.

lets see.
am i happy about my life atm?
am i fucking happy?
is this what i have, is this what i am satisfied with?
what happens when i am satisfied, will i have a next goal, is satisfaction continuous, or does it just lead to a constant state of satisfaction?
should i be unhappy about my life?
don't i have enough things to treasure?
am i supposed to compare myself to others?
do i have to take in this social norm?
what exactly do i believe in?
what exactly am i meant to believe in?
am i Meant to believe in something?
what can i do to make things better?
why do i want things to be better?
what happens when things are better? will i want it to be even more better?
is there an end to these circulatory questions?


In case I haven't noticed, i haven't played dota since two days before japan which is the 18th of february.
i think the spell is over, the curse has be undone, the seal broken. i am free from the wretched claws of adrenaline-over-gaming. i think the trip to japan broke it for me. love japan.


i am a grain of sand on a long long beach. we sand are people. will our actions, can our actions affect others?
im sure they can, as i have seen from inspirational figures. idols. great people. people who move other people, people who have done something. but then there are those other people who have dnoe things that keep quiet about it. are those people inclusive of everyone else? perhaps every single granule of sand effects another, which in turn affects everything, so one granule of sand can indirectly affect every single other granule? but is the world really that systematic?
does shit really go by such a simple system?
is shit really that fucking simple?

but then who can fucking answer these questions?
why do i ask questions?
are they supposed to be answered?
am i suppose to answer them?
if i am, then how long does it take?
or maybe i'm not supposed to answer them.
maybe i'm not supposed to ask them
but theres no supposed to or not supposed to
anything is possible
or i am led to believe
what am i supposed to believe
is this why there is religion
so one can have a path to be led through?

fuck that shit.

it is at this point in time that i find my escape
my easy way out
my matrix
usually dota. but i will say no to the devil
i will not succumb to the evil addictions.

shoudl i find a new escape
or shoudl i deal with my problem
my problem
do i even have a problem?
wtf is my problem in the first place?
maybe i don't have a problem
maybe i do
maybe its what i perceive
its definitely not what others perceive
or is it
fuck that.
its all a circle
how did i enter this circle
theres got to be a start
if theres a start then theres a finish right
but thats way too fuckgin systematic as well
all these metaphors all these similes
the real shit aint that fuckgin simple is it.
but maybe im not supposed to look at the detailed image.
what then wtf am i supposed to do
is this the limitation of the human brain
to become indecisive once it has realised certain things all contradict one another.








if perceptions have no right answer, that means noone is wrong. then why is it one gets angry at another when they perceive something wrong about them. say for example A perceives B to be wrong, B then thinks that A is stupid for perceiving that, but that is what A perceives so in a sense A is.. correct?, B however is also correct in the sense B perceived that A is stupid for perceiving that B is wrong. so if they're both right, why the fuck do they quarrel, when theres only a misunderstanding.
why the fuck do people get high and angry and whatever the fuck they do.
i guess we factor in emotions and shit.
so what basic knowledge and common sense can do, cool calm collective thinking that is... will all be deceived once emotions come in.
so once again i am thinking systematically, since if i weren't thinking like this i'd merely be saying how wonderful the human mind is, to be able to incorporate so many different thoughts and feelings and express it into so many different individual situations, the wonders of the human brain.
so now im perceiving two things, it can be thought of as positive, or negative.
or maybe i'm supposed to perceive that it is creative, and i shoudl just live with it.
but then your not "supposed" to do anything, there are no sets of rules, i am free. but i gues that just delves into the technicalities of the english language, and how it doesn't properly explain what we are trying to say.


is this something we're supposed to understand? once again using that "supposed" word. man fuck that
thats fucking bull shit
had enough of these technicalities
why doesn't shit just work out.
swearing and being vague makes life so much more easier. perceptions, indescribable perceptions are so muhc more simpler in its own sense, than detailed technical explanations, made to confuse and fuck your mind up.

I am me.

















lol i just dled all of henry's photos lol :D tq henry
sydney was good lol. japan was good too lol